


What If's and If Only's

by ryleewrites



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-04
Updated: 2018-03-04
Packaged: 2019-03-27 04:19:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13872987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ryleewrites/pseuds/ryleewrites
Summary: Not a full fledged fic, more of a train of thought in JJ's mind as she contemplates the decisions she's made over the years.A tribute to the what if's and if only's that haunt us all.





	What If's and If Only's

The what if’s keep her awake at night. They haunt her dreams and, lately, they have made their way into her waking thoughts. Ebbing their way into every crevice of her mind like a spider spinning an all encompassing, unbreakable web.

 

What if she had asked Emily what she really wanted to that night that Reid was taken. Emily had said to look at her and when she had, JJ swore she could see the world in those warm, brown eyes. She wasn’t afraid anymore. She hadn’t known how Emily could be so calm and collected, but she had no complaints. 

 

What if JJ hadn’t ignored the look in Emily’s eyes when she said, “you don’t choose who you fall in love with.” The blonde had blown off the way her heart clenched in her chest and her palms had started sweating when she thought Emily was talking to her. She could only breathe again after she had left the room.

 

What if she hadn’t let go of Emily’s hand that night. She had chalked the feeling in her stomach up to nervousness for Penelope, but she looked back now and knew that wasn’t the whole story. Could they have held onto each other? She still sometimes feels an emptiness where that hand once was.

 

What if she hadn’t accepted Emily’s unspoken challenge to go after Will. The man that tore any hope for the two of them to shreds. She ran to Will and kissed him with a passion and fervor that she knew all too well didn’t belong to him. 

 

What if she hadn’t gone to Afghanistan. Would Emily have told her about her past? Could she have been there sooner and prevented the brunette from being impaled. She had rushed to the scene as fast as she could, but what if she had been there the whole time.

 

What if she had not let Emily go back to Europe. She watched the woman leave, not knowing if she would ever return, and all the words caught in her throat. She said nothing. She did nothing.

 

________________________

  
  


The if only’s keep her going and push her forward. The are a part of her life that she willingly accepts. They leave a bittersweet taste in her mouth but she doesn’t mind, its better than the bland absence of flavor she would be left with otherwise. 

 

If only, instead of letting Emily go home alone with her head wound, JJ had done what she really wanted to, brought the brunette back her and taken care of her in more ways than one.

 

If only she had finished her thought that night on the plane. Yes, she could she Emily with kids, she always could, but that wasn’t supposed to be the end of the sentence.  _ With me,  _ she meant to say,  _ kids with me _ . But she had just bit her nail and held her tongue. 

 

If only she had leant into Emily’s touches. Whenever they had a hard case, the older woman would place a hand on her back, arm, or leg, just a comforting pat or a gentle rub. She should have grabbed that hand and directed it to where she really needed the brunette’s loving touch. 

 

If only she had followed Emily to her hotel in Paris. They could have the night together without any consequences, a dead woman and a woman who wishes she could be dead with her. No one could have known about the touches shared. No one would have cared.

 

If only she hadn’t gotten married. She could have stopped the wedding. She could have said “I do” to the woman she really wanted to spend the rest of her life with. It could have been them sharing in that perfect night.

 

If only she had told Emily about her hallucinations, about how she knew the brunette would come and save her. Maybe then Emily would have seen how much the blonde felt for her and how much trust she had in her. 

 

__________________________

  
  


“It never does get any easier, outcomes like this one” Emily says. The understanding in her eyes is comforting, but although any bystander would understable think she was discussing their job, the blonde can see in the way she stares that the sentence goes way beyond that. 

 

“No, it doesn’t,” Jennifer starts. She feels her heartbeat quicken, could she really talk about this, after all these years of suppressing emotions and hiding feelings. Even in cryptic wording like this, it feels wrong to acknowledge the past at all. But she had already made up her mind; it’s now or never. “You know it also has a way of dredging up the past you thought you had locked away,” she states, narrowing her blue eyes only slightly at the other woman, trying not to let herself hope for a response. 

 

Emily’s widened eyes and raised brows give the blonde all the motivation she needed to keep talking. “The what if’s and the if only’s...” she says softly, but her confidence is short lived and her voice fades. She turns away from knowing, brown eyes to look out the window, unable to watch whatever Emily does next.

 

“There are parts of this job that you really can’t take home,” Emily responds, letting out a small sigh. “So if you ever want someone to talk to, know that I’m am always here for you.”

 

JJ nearly screams. Of course she is always here for her. They are always here for each other. She wants to grab the brunette and feel they’re lips together. What if she did? 

 

She doesn’t. She couldn’t. Emily would never really understand what she was going through, the real meaning behind her words. Blinking back the tears forming in her eyes, she simply nods and looks down, once again swallowing her words. “Thanks,” is all she can muster. 

 

Little did she know that the brunette knew exactly how she was feeling, that her friend had her own list of could have beens and almost weres. Little did she know that when those elevator doors closed, Emily’s first thought was, ‘If only I had pulled her in here with me. I should have taken her home.’ Little did she know that the feeling was beyond mutual.

 

They were each other’s what if. They were each other’s if only.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry if this sucks. I tried my best!!
> 
> Jemily Week 2018, Day 1


End file.
